EDMONTON, AB—An investigation by the Bugle reveals that the UPC was lobbied by hunters, poachers, and wolves nearly five times more than deer regarding the venison quota bill.
This comes as no surprise to observers who have noted Jason Kenney’s subtle but enduring pro-predator messaging. Kenney has been photographed at charity benefit dinners with hunting equipment company CEOs. He is also rumoured to have an “I Love Canadian Wolves and Neck Snares” bumper sticker that he keeps on his desk.
Chuck Bengly, a political science PhD candidate at University of Alberta, was not shocked by the Bugle’s findings. “If you tout an industry on the campaign trail, however subtly, it isn’t altogether surprising when lobbyists’ eyes light up. He doesn’t have to say ‘I will do good things for hunters’ for us to know what he was going to do with the venison quota. Kenney’s seen publicly with predators all the time, you know what his position is.”
The Bugle’s investigation has also confirmed that the UPC may have actively been seeking wolves in the hopes the pack hunters will draft amendments for their venison quota bill. Hiking guides in the area report that packs of mountain bike-riding UPC field agents have been tracking wolves along major wildlife thoroughfares near the Icefields Parkway.
“Saw one of them chase a wolf into a nasty ditch on a bike,” said Stephanie Xu, 34, an avid hiker. “Didn’t go well. Even with his mouth full of bog water he kept shouting lame slow-pitch questions about groceries or something. Wolf just kept going.”
Representatives for deerkind claim they were rarely, if ever, contacted by UPC goons. Jep Heathrow, a yearling buck, expressed frustration to the Bugle interns bound by contract to conduct wildlife interviews. “A hunter passed through with a “Fuck Trudeau” bumper sticker around the last New Moon. Not verified UPC. But the message was clear: they’re out here getting their venison. No one’s campaigning for us in Edmonton, no one’s giving our lobbyists the time of day, no one’s listening.”
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!