GOLDEN, BC—Most guests quietly wondered about their own prospects at another going away party eyewitness reports suggest. The hosts will be roadtripping and called the event a “vanwarming party”—guests had mixed feelings about that too.
Kyle, 24: “Well Jen and Sara have their shit together enough to organize two months on the road. And I don’t even think their relationship will explode spectacularly. I would crumble and become impossible to deal with within days.”
Lauren, 22: “Not one of us here is getting a mortgage soon. This is a huge step for Jen and Sara and they’re the closest thing I know to functioning adulthood. Should I be doing more? Do I save up for a Sienna that I can live out of if necessary? Mate was confused when I told him it was a vanwarming party, thought I was going to a campground orgy.”
Jill, 28: “I’m nearly 30. When Jen started asking me questions about buying a car, I felt like a mum. So this trip feels like big step for me too. A vanwarming party sounds sexual in literally every other context though. Or like something my aunt would manage to find a disparaging meme about.”
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!