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GOLDEN, BC—Most guests quietly wondered about their own prospects at another going away party eyewitness reports suggest. The hosts will be roadtripping and called the event a “vanwarming party”—guests had mixed feelings about that too.

Kyle, 24: “Well Jen and Sara have their shit together enough to organize two months on the road. And I don’t even think their relationship will explode spectacularly. I would crumble and become impossible to deal with within days.”

Lauren, 22: “Not one of us here is getting a mortgage soon. This is a huge step for Jen and Sara and they’re the closest thing I know to functioning adulthood. Should I be doing more? Do I save up for a Sienna that I can live out of if necessary? Mate was confused when I told him it was a vanwarming party, thought I was going to a campground orgy.”

Jill, 28: “I’m nearly 30. When Jen started asking me questions about buying a car, I felt like a mum. So this trip feels like big step for me too. A vanwarming party sounds sexual in literally every other context though. Or like something my aunt would manage to find a disparaging meme about.”