ALERT: IF YOU ARE IN THE VICINITY OF THE BOW RIVER OR CAVE AND BASIN AREA, EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY—AREA RADIOACTIVE
BANFF, AB—Residents and visitors were evacuated from the Cave and Basin National Historic Site and the banks of the Bow River early this afternoon. The Banff RCMP, Canadian Armed Forces, and Bow Valley Paranormal Dispatch have declared a state of emergency in the 5 kilometre stretch of the Bow River in and around the Banff townsite. The radioactive merpeople that inhabit the Bow River have invaded.
The Paranormal Dispatch was conducting a routine sweep of the Bow River’s banks when their Geiger counters started “bleating maniacally”. One eyewitness spoke with the Bugle on their way into Bunker 42B:
“We were just enjoying a peaceful day of watching people eat shit on slacklines when things went pear-shaped real quick. Like, zero-to-Chernobyl real fucking quick. Those guys were walking around with metres and then that awful radioactive popping sound, and the men with rifles in hazmat suits came from nowhere, and then the creatures. Oh god the creatures. They came so fast, and with so many of them—I just don’t know what to think. I can still taste metal in my mouth, my girlfriend is taking out hair by the fistful. Are we going to be okay? Did they say we can go the other bunker with our friends yet? Where are we going?”
The Bugle has been advised that the situation is under control. Paranormal Dispatch have advised residents to avoid Central Park and the Recreational Grounds if possible. The canoe docks have been commandeered and access to the Cave and Basin area has been restricted.
The Bugle is following this developing story.
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!