BANFF, AB—The Banff–Mineral Springs Hospital reported that May 2019 had the single highest incidence of twisted arms on record. The RCMP and Town of Banff officials attribute the trend to the myriad excuses May provides to get on it instead of going to sleep at a reasonable hour.
“I have never seen such quick turnaround on decision-making in such a small a population,” said Dr. Pascal Parswazi, a specialist in peer pressure pathology. “The arms of some patients actually do have the tensile strength and elasticity of rubber. It wouldn’t have taken much to twist these arms—may as well be bending with mere suggestion.”
An informal sample of Banffers with twisted arms by the Bugle echoes the town and the RCMP’s findings. Patios, park beers, market day, wildfire smoke, Victoria Day weekend, Slush Cup, and Mother’s Day were all cited as causes for acute twisted arms. The RCMP’s own findings listed 52 causes for twisted arms in the last 2 weeks of May alone. Lieutenant Holt Bricter was unsurprised. “Look in my line of work it doesn’t take much for me either.”
Some twisted arms have even been the result of elective surgery. Mark Filitchum, 24, says he has simply got his arm twisted in advance.
“Look, it’s only a matter of time till someone’s going to come to my door when I’m busy with a dog, a frisbee, and a backpack full of Grower’s in this town. I’m just doing them a favour and saving them a bullshit speech about being ‘more productive’ this summer. I’m going to the park with them. Sue me.”
Rodney Willowbeigh Jortins is one of the Bankhead Bugle’s senior Canmore reporters. Rodney moved to Canmore after a 3-year stint in Spain organizing Catalan separatist cells. Prior to that, he was the head chef at GuuTrooth, a fine dining restaurant in Chicago. With some of his idle time, Rodney co-manages a co-ed lacrosse team in Bankhead with his lifelong best friend—You.