LAC DES ARC, AB—”Look at this endless parade of assholes before me,” said Spach Patini, face slumped into his hands on the driving wheel of his work truck. Spach was due to paint Lake Louise at 6am on the Friday before the Civic Holiday weekend.

Bugle reporters found him with a gang of hang glider scouts and helicoptered in a field reporter to find out more.

“I always think I’m going to beat everyone but destiny fucks me every time. I left at 2 in the morning. TWO! The roads were clear, but now I’m stuck behind a crash that’s managed to spill a container full of Birkenstocks, macramé cloths, and promotional hemp shopping bags. Fucking Folk Festival!”

Due to this unfortunate delay, the regularly scheduled painting of Lake Louise had to wait until the following morning. Visitors were outraged. “I was told the water would be turquoise and I’m getting a cheap Tiffany Blue at best,” said one visitor overlooking Moraine Lake. Moraine Lake did receive it’s regularly scheduled painting.

“Whatever, doesn’t look like the pictures. TripAdvisor will hear about this.”