BANFF, AB—In response to the UCP’s proposed changes to minimum wage for those under 18, one enterprising Banff skate shop has countered with a discriminatory wage policy of their own. Mister Mumgoriam’s Trucks ‘n’ Bearings Emporium will offer a $2 per hour wage increase to all employees who have “a sweet moustache”.
Mister Mumgoriam himself, Todd Mumgoriam, was happy to meet with the Bugle outside his Banff Ave storefront to explain the policy further.
“The way I see it, guys coming in to work a season or two are more valuable to me if I think they represent the culture. It was like being gay in the ’70s—you see the moustache and you know. You see one on a guy walking through the door with a wrinkled resume. Well, game over. You know that guy shreds. If he can work the counter he’s worth $2 more to me.”
When asked if the proposed change was sexist, Mumgoriam tried his hardest to not seem awful. “I hadn’t considered that dimension! I guess we could bump wages if a girl has sweet dreads. They usually have long hair to start with so it’s the same level of commitment.”
Stay tuned, sports fans.
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!