CANMORE, AB—”Oh well,” said Kai Starply, 23, as he fell face first into hammock, face covered in tomato sauce. He was due to meet friends for yoga in town 20 minutes ago.

“I mean we only went to Bourgeau Lake,” said Hazel Stoodle. “We didn’t even do the summit—I think he’s just wanted an excuse to nap. He’s also exhausted from the lunatic Jeff brought from Tinder that kept insisting that we sing the entire hike. He was ready to hurl her into the sun. Honestly I was too. There’s no reason to sing that much R. Kelly in that small a timeframe anymore, we’re over R. Kelly too, none of that.”

Fellow hiker Ted Skint has a different theory: Kai is a wastrel failing to live the alpine lifestyle.

“Oh 100%. The dickhead downloaded Strava, makes a point of putting the icon on his home screen, and showing me that he’s done all this. I’ve only ever seen the man run for JUUL pods or the resort bus when he lived in Banff. The only reason that man’s freezer is organized is because everything in neat comes neatly in a box. It’s completely ludicrous because he didn’t have the energy to go to yoga, was happy to heat up a meal and string up the hammock though. Not sure Canmore’s his speed to be honest.”

More to come.