BANFF, AB—A local elk was brought to a trot on a roadside boulevard for running at a pace well above the 30km/h limit on Banff Avenue. The Banff National Park Warden Service claim that the elk will be let off with a warning.
“I never get pulled over—granted we usually cross the Great Steel Way as a group, slowly,” explained Elk #467-B9. “Sometimes you need to go apace though. Happy to be let off with a warning. I’m already getting fucked by my antler insurance and a speeding ticket would be financial ruin.”
While it was a first warning for #467-B9, several public agencies have expressed concern over the mounting problem.
Gorst Manaheim, an elk locomotion consultant employed by the Town of Banff and Parks Canada, worries new cannabis dispensary waste products will make their way to the food chain of resident elk and deerkind.
“I think we’re going to see more and more boisterous elk. They can’t handle their poison and they get out of hand. With the Devil’s Lettuce in the mix—we’re going to see a lot more ticketing. They’re going to be pleading more than ever that the limit is still 50. It isn’t.”
More to come.
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!