BANKHEAD, AB—Researchers at Bankhead’s Theoretical Gastronomy Centre have confirmed that calzones are, in fact, large unboiled ravioli. The Gastronomy’s Centre made the discovery during the course of the centre’s ongoing research on defining sandwiches.
“We’ve determined that pizzas are not open-face sandwiches. We came to a consensus recently—we’ve determined that burgers are definitely sandwiches,” said Patricia Cornhogg, executive director of the Institute for Gluten Studies. “We didn’t see a strong correlation between ravioli and calzones. But clearly there is. Both are gluten-encased Italian food that can hold similar ingredients. The only factors separating them are filling conventions, size, and method of preparation.”
The work of the Institute for Gluten Studies has not been without controversy. Cornhogg and other members of the institute refused to offer a definitive statement on the “Hotdog Question”.
“We know members of the public would like a definitive answer, but the closed bottom of the hotdog demands comprehensive review. We are not issuing an official statement on the matter until the panel for that inquiry has come to a satisfying conclusion.”
This might not be enough for their critics. Local sandwich artist, Benedict Tort, says he will withdraw his subscription to the Gastronomy Centre’s alumni newsletter if his demands are not met. “If they tell me a hotdog is not a sandwich a few months from now, they’ll see all my funding disappear. Poof! Like that. Gone.”
More to come.
Current El Jefe of the Bankhead Bugle. Jessia came to the Bow Valley in 2017 after dropping out from grad school to chance it in the wild blue yonder with just a backpack and a measly arts BA. As a youth, he is amenable to poor working conditions and trickles of payment—coincidentally, this makes him the ideal candidate to edit a struggling legacy newspaper like the Bugle. Praise be!