Photo Credit: Michelle

BANFF, AB—Chaos at the dugout! At least one member of each teach participating in the Banff Majors has failed a surprise drug test. For many teams, there was far more than one member failing.

Leslie Joppenheimer, a commissioner for the Banff Majors, was disappointed by the news. And confused.

“At present we’re having trouble telling which players actually had a performance enhancing cocktail in their system. The last player tested had more caffeine in their system than anyone thought was safe for human consumption. I don’t actually know what that would feel like. Another team’s star pitcher insists he’s on acid every game day. Surely enough, tested positive. Some people had results that made the RCMP tech running the tests laugh. What are funny drug test results?”

The league as a whole is unsure of how it should continue. Players’ opinions varied. In an informal poll by the Bugle, most players would rather the league just continue for mere bragging rights. One player insisted that all members in the league should be subjected to the same combination of chemical fuel to level the playing field.

“Everyone gets steroids, but has to play on ketamine. Equals out.”

While the future of the league is uncertain, here are your league standings:

TEAMGPWLTPTS
P.O.R.A.20191038
Bruno’s Brawlers18180036
C.U.P.E. Cubs20173034
HighRollers17134026
Defending Awesome Ninjas18135026
Unlimited Rude Boys Goats20137026
Tommy’s Pub211011020
Grizzly House19811016
Tony Romas22715014
Timberline Friendship Squad20614012
Banff Devils2102100

Stay tuned, sports fans.